Spooning with Nigella: a blog on Channel 4’s The Taste by @FoodUrchin

Having sat through ten hours of what has been surprisingly enjoyable food telly, I have to hold my hands up now and say that’s it for me, I am spent.

After weeks and weeks of watching many mouthfuls, nay spoonfuls of food get gobbled, chomped, devoured, slurped and deliberated upon, I am now full to the brim and I am bursting. I honestly don’t know how the mentors of The Taste have coped in their pursuit of finding that most perfect of spoons.

Given the variety of cuisine that has been dished up on those porcelain buckets, lord knows what sort of havoc this series has played on their digestive systems. To paraphrase a famous lyric, the answers to this quest must have been clouded by some blowin’ in the wind at some point. However, the gustatory sense still managed to shine through; a winner was finally found and thank goodness for that. This show was after all, all about ze taste. 

Episode 9

Of course before we get to the stage of talking about the final, we really should have a quick catch up on episode 9 and clear our minds of Nigella discreetly shifting and farting in a tight black dress.

So what happened? Well with just five contestants left, namely Dixie, Debbie, Kalpna, Kelly and Chloe, the penultimate remit focussed on simplicity. Simple food. Super simple food. Simple, simple, simple. And the chef summoned to judge the contestants on their ability to conjure up clean flavours and pure combinations was none other than Michelin-starred Angela Hartnett, chef patron of Murano. The cooks could only take three ingredients from Angela’s basket of goodies and as she sent them packing, her mantra of “at the end of the day, it’s got to taste good” sent everyone scurrying across their kitchens like headless chickens.

Ludo screamed “Where are your ‘erbs?” as Debbie aimed a flame-thrower at her tomatoes. Nigella bit her lip at the prospect Kalpna’s apparent loss of confidence and Kelly’s ambition to twerk her dishes up. Or was that tweak? Even the normally unflappable Anthony shuddered as he whispered instruction into Dixie’s ear, ruing that his kitchen was like a haunted house. Talk about tense towers. And speaking of which, I did burst with a shrill laugh myself when I heard the narrator impart this little gem:

“As the only competitor left on Anthony’s team, Dixie knows that her spoon will be chosen.”

Again, talk about stating the bleedin’ obvious but on they ploughed, all using monkfish as their principle ingredient. After some chewing and cooing, with a little criticism over under-seasoning, Angela nominated Kelly’s garlicky and lemony fish spoon the best of the bunch and thus granted her immunity and a place in the final.

For the second challenge, we entered the realm of one main ingredient, showcased three different ways, on three spoons. A lot of work in other words. The mentors turned judges all got very bitchy and pernickety with each other at this stage, bemoaning whose cooks were the best and I thought that Ludo may well follow up his statements with a Gallic “So, ner-ner-de-ner-ner.” But sadly he didn’t.

Despite all the arguing in the playground, I have to admit the cooks didn’t exactly excel with their chosen ingredients of salmon, mackerel, chicken, oysters and chicken livers. And when it came to deciding, at least one spoon from each cook incurred some displeasure in our judges.

“There was no love, no passion!” barked Ludo and when it came to Kalpna, there really did seem to be no confidence left so she had to go, looking very sad to have to leave the party. Although the way Nigella quipped to the others that “Quite frankly, they should celebrate” the atmosphere suddenly became so stilted, it was like someone had just let a wet balloon off in the room.

Episode 10

Luckily for the final episode, the whole mood seemed to lighten up as everyone got dressed into their glad-rags and got ready to push the boat out for the big hoorah, that last shiny orgasmic spoon of joy. As is often the case when we reach this stage of proceedings in food telly, the show kicked off with a montage of ‘famlee’ sequences and cooking at work. To prove that our contestants were after all, only human beings. I always like to think of the fretting going on the background when they shoot these bits. Mum getting her hair done. Dad being told to behave himself. That sort of thing.

Then it was onto the home straight. But first, the last four had to leap the scary sounding hurdle that is Pierre Koffman. Or in the words of Anthony - “The Godfather of haute cuisine.” Actually Pierre didn't come across as scary at all, he was rather cuddly in fact and his challenge for the cooks to come up with the perfect canapé was the most befitting one for this sort of competition. At last they were going to make something that could fit on a spoon!

The canapés in question had to use fish and they had to pair up with some delectable chilled champagne so the Nigella and Anthony calmly took their chefs by the hand and ushered them through some suggestions. Ludo on the other hand was an indecisive whirlwind to Debbie's exasperated housewife. "You shall make Croque Monsieur! Non! Quiche! Non! PRAWN TOAST!!"

"Zut alors," sighed Debbie, rather patiently if you ask me. But there is obviously method in Ludo's madness as Mr Koffman was rather taken with this Chinese takeaway stalwart, as was he impressed with Kelly's lobster and scallop ceviche so they went through to the final. It did look like Chloe and Dixie were going to be left out to dry but there was a twist in the tale for them, one could get through if they made a cracking ham and cheese omelette and personally, I feared for my life that James Martin was going to pop up. But he didn't. The humble omelette is the true test of a cook, it will get you a job in Anthony's kitchen. So when Chloe brought out the flame-thrower to toast some cheese (they love these flame-throwers on this show) it soon became apparent that perhaps she hadn't made many before. Whereas Dixie got that tough combination of slightly gooey, slightly firm texture and so she got the get of jail card.

The last trial, the behemoth challenge that would set the winner apart came in the form of a three course meal, on spoons. The judges gave free rein but essentially wanted a harmonious journey. No silly gimmicks. No high end ideas. No flights of fancy. The final three obliged. All cooking the food that they really liked to cook and it showed. Kelly hit the Mexican trail with ceviche, mole and churros. Dixie served up her favourite pigeon breast; chicken, peas and rice with a rice and date almond pudding. Debbie invited everyone into her house with scallops on pea puree, rabbit stew and fig and apple crumble. And if there is one thing that will you find most chefs agreeing on when it come to favourite food, it will be a love of simple yet good home cooking. Which is why Debbie won and deservedly so. Despite the high and lows and coming bottom at least what, five times throughout the series? Debbie showed that at the end of day, good, honest, tasty grub is what makes most people happy in this world.

In turn, all the previous efforts, all the weird, wild and wacky spoons that appeared do as result amount to hot air. Not the hot air I was describing at the beginning of this post but The Taste was full of guff at times, no doubt about that. At least it was entertaining guff.

Danny Kingston (Food Urchin)

Danny is a food adventurer, enthusiastic allotmenteer, supper club host and writer of the entertaining and quirky epicurian blog, Food Urchin. He also writes for Great British Chefs and past credits also include writing for Delicious Magazine online and MSN Food and he is an absolute sucker for East End pie and mash (with loads of liquor and vinegar).